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Moving Jobs and More

So I have been so busy packing to move and moving that I have not had much time to post on here. So I decided it was time for an update on what I’m doing.

I’m excited to say we have now moved and things are going well, we had a few issues, our furnace was not working, but it’s fixed now, and we are still moving some things from our old home to the new. We had some help, but could have used a bit more.

Good news is I had an interview on Monday and got the job, I start at a bank next week. I’m really looking forward to this and I think this will be a great thing for me. I have worked retail most of my life and am tired of not being able to get time off that I need. I don’t usually ask for more then 2-3 days off a year, but I never could get them. Now I should be able to get the time off that I need.

I’m also hoping this will be better for my anxiety, yes I’m still trying to sell products, but it’s not a sales job and that makes me happy!

Back to moving, I have people who say they are my friends, but none helped us move, also my “brother in law” (there not married but have been together forever) offered to help for pay, then backed out.

How would you feel about this, one a relative wanting payment to help and friends who back out the minute you actually need them?

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Getting to be Too Much, Pushing My Limit

dark days

I’ve been thinking a lot about the last 15 years of my life. I’ll be 31 in just over a month and I’ve realized everything I have been though has not made me stronger, it’s made me want to just give up and stop trying.

I have never been in a relationship. I have dated but nothing serious. Men use me, everyone uses me. It seems like unless they need me for something I’m not good enough. I tried to do the right thing and go to college. Thinking maybe that would give me some self respect and I would put an end to the abuse.

It didn’t work.

Now my debt keeps piling up. My unemployment runs out in 2 weeks and I can’t get a job anywhere. They all like me, but I’m just not the one for the job.

That seems to be the case everywhere in my life.

The sad part is I will publish this and if anyone comments on it, it won’t be my friends, it will be people who don’t even know me, if anyone does comment. I have no support and my friends don’t read my blog. I have no one who really cares about me and wants me to succeed. I am the one who they go to for support, they go to for help.

Sometimes I wonder what they would do if I was gone.

The men, they would move on to the next piece of ass, my friends, probably wouldn’t even come to my funeral, they would be too busy with their drama. I don’t even think my extended family would come. My sisters and mom would be there, though on the other hand I won’t even have a funeral, I have no life insurance, and we are all broke.

That is the only reason I’m still here, knowing that no one would care and my death would be for nothing. It wouldn’t make a point as no one would notice. They would just go on like nothing happened.

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Anxiety, Not a Good Day or Week

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I have been on edge all day, I don’t exactly know why but I have been. You know that feeling you get when your dreading doing something or you know something bad is going to happen, well that’s been me all day, and yesterday and the day before.

I worked out all week, that’s suppose to help the anxiety, but it’s not. I got sleep, at least 8 hours, but no more then 9. I’m set aside time for friends and relaxing but still my body feels like  I need to be running away from something. I just don’t know what.

It sucks, because along with the anxiety I have diabetes and I’m sure this is messing with my blood sugar and when it’s bad it’s all bad, when it’s good, well my sugar could be good or bad. If my sugar is good it’s a great day, if it’s not, well then it’s a good day.

I keep thinking, if only I could find work I would be okay, but at the same time my last job is why I now know I have an anxiety disorder. It seems I can’t even get a job at places I use to work, even when I left on good terms. It’s frustrating knowing that if I had not gone to college I would at least have some sort of job and not as much debt.

I’ll be honest if I don’t find work soon. I’m just going to give up. Stop looking, stop paying my debt and just give the world a big F-you. I just don’t know how long I can deal with everyone telling me I’m not good enough, 30 years and so far that almost the only thing I hear.

Photo Credit: www.huffingtonpost.com

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I’m Becoming a Foster Parent

If you read this blog a lot then you know I live with my mother and I don’t have children of my own. Now I have a chance to experience the joy of motherhood by being a Foster parent. My mother decided that she wanted to be a foster parent and now, because I live with her I get to be one too.

welcoming fallIt’s something I never thought of doing myself, but It’s something that more people do need to do. For me right now I’m not getting too into it because I plan on moving once I find work, but still I may decide to continue depending on what I can and can not do.

It will be interesting though and I did grow up with a few friends that were foster children and they were some of the best friends that I had. I was the good influence on them and they encouraged me to come out of my shell. (I was very shy as a child and teen). It was a good balance and I would love to help other children now that I’m older.

We had our first class last week and our second was today. I really think this is a great thing for my mom to be doing, and I love that I get to have some experience with it too. I’ll be honest though. Once I move I may not keep doing it. I will of course continue to have contact with the foster kids my mother has, but I’m 30 and looking to find a good man and settle down myself. I may consider doing this again at a later point in life.

Are any of you foster parents or were foster parents? Share your experience with us.

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A New Look and it’s Effects on Anxiety

Over the weekend I did a bit of shopping with a couple of friends, I don’t have much money but I got a few really good pieces and I was so excited to get them on and head out. Well I have to say, looking your best is not just a confidence booster, but it helped with my Anxiety as well.

i_cant_keep_calm_because_i_have_anxiety_tshirts-r1d094ea9a79e441fb46a2d8ddaa60dcd_8naxt_512I looked good and people started to notice me. They saw that I was happy, fun and had a great style that made me look approachable. I found that because I thought I looked amazing that I was a bit more open about talking to people and letting them in a bit. I have to say it was an eye opener, not just because it helped my anxiety, but because it made me realize that I had not been taking care of myself. As a single girl that is really important. Your not going to find a good man or new friends if you don’t feel good about yourself and that is now my new goal in life. To take much better care of myself and try to look my best whenever I leave the house!

Do you have anxiety? Do you feel better when you look your best.

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Weight Gain a Side Effect of Anxiety?

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When I was working I drove 4 hours to work every day and ate out a lot, so I figured when I stopped working I should start seeing a drop in my weight, instead I have gained almost 20 pounds since I stopped working. I kept thinking about it and I couldn’t figure out why. I wasn’t eating out all the time and I was until recently getting some exercise. Then it hit me, I started Anxiety pills. That’s the only change.

So, I’m not sure if it is a side effect as what I have read has said the medication I am on should not have that effect, but I also know everyone responds to things differently and maybe, this is my response. This is a crappy response as if you read this blog you know that I also have another blog on my weight loss journey called My Loss My Gain and I hate that I have to say I’m gaining weight. In fact since November I have gained about 40 pounds!

Something is not right, I feel it, but there is nothing I can do about it. Right now I find myself wishing I had never started that job, though I loved it, the weight gain, stress and now my Anxiety problems were just not worth it. I know I need to work on changing things, but it’s hard when you can’t afford good food, even with food stamps to help, but really prices on food are crazy!

Really I’m just wondering if anyone else with Anxiety has noticed a weight gain? Most people seem to lose weight, why can’t I be one of those!

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Anxiety, Thoughts and You

I’ve been spending the last week trying to figure out where my life is going. I’m 30 years old and I am so lost that I feel 20 again. I just am not sure what I want anymore as over the last 10 years I have gotten nothing I have truly wanted. I went to school to get a job I would love, only to be pushed into over $100,000 in debt and no job. I gave up finding a man so that I could try to get a career, I have no man, I have no family, the only thing I have truly ever wanted. I guess I’m just tired of people asking me why I don’t have these things.

Reality: I feel like a failure

anxietyNo wonder I have anxiety, I’m just not seeing a light  at the end of this tunnel. I actually broke down and told my mom “If I can’t get this figured out, get bankruptcy on everything or something I think I’ll just shoot myself!” Her response, “I’m in the same mess too” Yeah, I have a horrible support system. The rest of my family doesn’t care, they have their happy life’s. They don’t want to help and don’t care to, it’s all on me as always. I just don’t know if I can keep this up much longer.

Not that I’m going to do anything crazy, but if it comes down to it I will threaten to, just so I can get help. I can’t afford it, but maybe if I try to someone will hear me.

I don’t enjoy anything anymore, nothing makes me happy. I’m lost

You: The upside

I want to thank the few of you who do read this blog, without you I don’t think I would be able to do as much as I have and still be sane. I write my thoughts down and I get support, not hurtful comments, not drama I don’t care about and not a “well poor me” response. That is what I receive from my friends and family. They just don’t get that sometimes I just need them to shut up and listen.

You do and I thank you.

 

Photo taken from http://www.memyselfanxiety.com/controlling-anxiety/living-anxiety-test

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Anxiety, Diabetes and Loss of Concentration

focus-attention-2I have been diabetic for about 8 years now and yesterday as I was trying to sit down and do some work on my blogs I noticed that once again my head hurt. Now, I know that teens and kids use this as an excuse to not do work, but I’m 30 years old and I’m telling you my head hurt!

I sat back and thought about it for a few minutes once the pain went away and I realized that in high school and my first two years of collage I was a pretty good student, as long as you don’t count math! Then I was diagnosed with diabetes and things got worse. Now I’m not saying I started having concentration issues right then, I had them for a while, but I believe and it’s been proven that diabetes causes a loss of concentration. Add my anxiety issues to that and mild depression and I have a problem.

I decided to start doing some research into how I can improve my concentration, because I need to. I won’t be able to work if I don’t and I really don’t want to live on the street. I did find a few good tips though

5 Ways to improve concentration

1. Take a walk. Sometimes breaking up the task is a great way to improve your ability to concentrate on it. Walking increases blood flow and also provides meditation. Giving your brain a chance to rest, relax and prepare for more work.

2. Drink Water. Water helps hydrate the body and improve brain performance. When you are dehydrated your brain does not function like it should do to lack of fluid.

3. Eat Breakfast and snack. This helps to fuel your body throughout the whole day. Not only does breakfast replenish your body after sleeping, but having small healthy snacks during the day helps keep your body full of nutrients and energy.

4. Use Meditation to clear your mind. Many times I find that I just have too much on my mind. Sometimes just taking a quick break and meditating to clear my head is so helpful.  Not sure how to meditate. Check out these meditation tips

5. Spend quality time with friends and family. Many times we can’t concentrate because we are not able to relax and unwind. Spending quality time with family and friends can help us bounce back and improve mental performance. There of course many other great health benefits of spending time with family and friends.

Do you have any tips to improve concentration?

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Debt and Stress and The Economy

It seems that the harder I try the farther I fall. I’m currently unemployed and yes I had to quit my job. Anxiety and sales don’t mix and since I had a 4 hour daily drive to work I deiced my life and the life’s of others was not worth it. If I wasn’t shaking for half of my drive, I found myself thinking I should just run this car into a tree and then I won’t have to deal with any of this mess anymore. Lets just say I did not like the thoughts going though my head.

ClickHandler.ashxThat was a month ago, now I am sitting here wondering why I went to school and spent $100,000 on my education that I will never use. I love interior design, but where I live there is no call for it and I can’t move to where there is, not that I could get a job if I did. Bankruptcy is not an option because, well they won’t let you file on student loans. Right now I’m looking at never buying a home, never renting a home, never moving out of my mothers home and living on the street after she dies. All because I did the right thing and I went to college.

My advice to high school grads, skip college and go work in fast food. Managers make around $30,000-$60,000 a year without the debt of college. Only go to school if you have scholarships or can pay for it without loans.

I know many of you may be thinking well why didn’t you do that. Well I was told I would have a job out of college, I was told this was the right thing to do. I was told that it would be easy to make the money to pay this all back and I was told that I was good enough to get a well paying job.

My problem: I choose the wrong school and career

Now I didn’t choose a bad school, but in order to get anywhere in interior design your school needs to bee FIDER accredited, it’s a group of people that decide what programs are the best and meet their expectations. Employers did not start really using this until I had been in school for a year. It’s annoying that my school refuses to be accredited.

Now I’m sharing this because I want to complain and whine and make you feel sorry for me. I’m saying this because I know I’m not the only one dealing with this. I have an unless that does not qualify me for help. I have diabetes that’s expensive and I have all of these loans. It’s a lot for someone who is just 30 to deal with. I look at the rest of my life and I think, why continue? There’s no way out of all of this, yet banks get bailouts they use to pay bonuses and students struggle to pay banks money they don’t deserve, since they can’t use their money in a constructive way.

Here is my worry and I have heard this same worry from others. People who owe a lot in student loans will not buy houses, will not buy new cars and will not have family’s. I want a family, but for me to have one I will have to live off welfare, at this point I almost don’t care and I might just do it. I did what I was suppose to and it didn’t work. Why do I have to lose out on the only thing I ever really wanted in life, children, just because banks decided to drive us into this horrible economy and ruin my life along with the life’s of others. .

Are you a graduate also struggling with student loans? How are you dealing with them. Share your story with us.

Read about the student loan struggle

Student loans leave crushing debt burden

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Online Dating and Anxiety

So I have been using online dating for many, many years. Yes I am still single. Lets just say it doesn’t work for everyone and since I live in the middle of no where it’s hard to meet good single men. Most of the single guys around me have been married and want to just sleep around or they just want to sleep around.

online-datingAnyway I do admit that some of my lack of success has been me and my Anxiety. At first when I found out I had this problem I put on my profile that I understand that men have trouble handling this and no harm done if you don’t think you can. After just one week of sharing just a small bit about my anxiety I have found that it was not that men could not handle it, I was just attracting the wrong men, men who are more like boys then men in my mind. Nothing wrong with that if it’s cute, but if it’s because they can not be an adult, well that’s just not the guy of guy I want or need right now.

So I have changed my profile and just simply say if you can’t handle my occasional insanity please move on. I have no problem admitting I sometimes blow up and act crazy, it’s the way it is and if I can’t admit that I have this issue, then I can not start to deal with it.

Oh I also added to my profile that I don’t want sex, sex talk or any of that. It has also kept most of the “one night stand guys away and that I think is helping me to get my faith in men back. I may not find a relationship, but I have already found some great friends.

Do you use online dating? What is your experience?

-Image taken from technorati.com

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